We all want to be better fathers. We all want to be better husbands or partners. We all want to be better men.
That’s why you’re reading this. It’s why I wrote it.
But, that’s a big, scary, lofty goal, isn’t it? I mean, what does it even mean to, “be better?”
Better, of course, is relative.
To truly strive for “better,” or to live life with a growth-driven mindset, we need some direction. We need a compass to help us get to wherever it is we’re trying to go. But, as I’m sure we all can agree, life doesn’t tend to obey by the rules of logic. Life tends to challenge. Life — even for those that are otherwise happy — tends to put us in situations almost every day that make us question who we are and question our inner character.
Perhaps the above statement is a bit too macro for you, but my point is this: when you’re trying to do the right things — whether they’re big or small — life puts you in situations where it may not be clear to you what the right thing is.
For Dads, that puts us and the ones we love in a precarious situation. When life hands you a challenge, you’re not only tasked with how you should navigate it, you’re also responsible for how it impacts your wife or partner, your children, their mindsets, their growth, the way the view you, the decisions they make down the road, etc., etc., etc.
I don’t know about you, but that puts a lot of stress on me and my emotions — and it certainly adds even more weight to the decision.
Defining your core values as a dad can help.
What are core values?
Core values, according to Scott Jeffrey, of CEO Sage, “guide our behaviors, decisions, and action.”
As Jeffrey writes, “When you know what you value, you can live in accord with those values.”
According to DevelopingGoodHabits.com:
“Your personal core values are what encompass your foundational beliefs, which then dictate your behavior and guide you to make the decisions that you do. Your values are broad concepts that can be reapplied many times over in your life in various situations to guide your actions.”
But, how do you go about living your core values?
Better yet, how do you even define them?
How do I define my core values?
I first experienced a core value exercise as a member of The Dad Edge Alliance. The group, run by Larry Hagner of the Good Dad Project and Dad Edge Podcast, is a mastermind of likeminded men seeking to collaborate, share, and grow together as men.
One of the exercises each member goes through is to define their core values. I took so much out of the exercise. I genuinely can’t overstate how important it is to have a clear picture of what your values are while navigating the world and leading the ones you love.
There are many different variations and resources that instruct how to execute the core value exercise. Entrepreneur and author Kevin Daum broke personal core values down for Inc. Magazine. DevelopingGoodHabits.com has a pretty thorough guide. And, for the business-oriented folks, the steps defined by the CEO Sage may do the trick.
But, here’s my take on how to define your core values as a dad:
Step 1: Identify your values
To begin, scan this list of more than 200 values. Note the 5–10 most important values on this list and jot them down in a word doc, note-taking app, or a piece of paper.
I’d recommend dwindling the list as low as you can. While you shouldn’t limit the values you hold dear, you’ll need to maintain focus with your values. If you have 30 core values, how can you realistically live to them all?
Keep them exclusive. They should be those you truly value the most. When dwindling, you’ll find too that many values fall into similar categories. Avoid synonyms in your curated list. Remove words that mean the same thing. This will help with focus and very well may keep another important value to you in scope.
It’s also important to remember that this is not simply a visualization exercise. While identifying your values, you should hone in on values you’re already living. Sure, you should have growth and a future-state of vision in mind, but core values are really meant to be put into practice. So, when selecting the values you hold dear, remember to choose values that are realistic to your way of life.
Now, in full transparency, this step is difficult. I mean, how on earth do you dwindle 200 words into the direction you want to take your life? I recommend taking some time with this.
When identifying the values, think about a time of great achievement for you. What do you recall feeling? What made you most proud? What feeling from that moment would you enjoy working back towards every day for the rest of your life?
Also think about times when you were at your lowest. Think about the feelings you’d do anything to avoid experiencing again.
For us dads, it’s vital to also ask yourself the following questions:
- What values are aligned with your style of parenting?
- What values, if appropriately lived by, would make my children and partner proud of who I am?
- What values do I want my children to also potentially value?
Step 2: Prioritize your values
Now that you have your core values, it’s time to prioritize them. The goal is to order them in a way that will give you a filter by which to make decisions.
For instance, if in the future you’re leveraging your core values to make a big decision about your life, you’ll know that the core value you put in the top spot is more valuable to the one you put in the last spot.
All that said, I personally found my core values to live together pretty well, meaning: I can typically apply all of my core values to large direction-setting decisions. All of them are relevant to each other in the context of my life.
Your core values should work together to bring balance and direction to your life. They’ll likely not be conflicting.
Step 3: Write a being statement that incorporates your values
Ok, now that we’ve dwindled the list of more than 200 values down to our most important, it’s time to make them actionable.
In any way, shape, or format, write your values into a being statement by adding context and formulating cohesive declaratives in the present tense.
We do this for a few reasons:
- By adding context to your core values, you can begin to feel them, further explore them, and visualize how you’ll truly live them
- By writing in the present tense, it makes them real to you now. Yes, we want to live your core values in the future, but that future begins now — and I’m willing to bet that for many of you, you’ve long been living your core values.
When I first went through the core value exercise, I ended up with the following.
My Core Values:
- Happiness
- Health
- Authenticity
- Wholeheartedness
- Creativity
- Personal Fulfillment
- Gratitude
My Being Statement:
I live a life of happiness because:
- I consistently work on improving my physical, mental, emotional, marital, familial, and financial health.
- I live my life with unabashed authenticity, which positively impacts my relationships, work, and legacy.
- Everything I do is done with full commitment and unquestioned wholeheartedness.
- I pair my unique creativity with my work ethic to create the personal fulfillment I strive for and legacy I wish to leave.
- I live every day extremely grateful for what I have and the opportunity to continue to become the man I want to be.
Living by your core values
Regardless of how you implement your core values, it’s important to live by them. I try to read mine often. Some folks have even taken to memorizing theirs and reciting daily.
In any event, being mindful of them is important.
Melli O’brien, a speaker, mindfulness and meditation teacher, and co-founder and host of The Mindfulness Summit conference wrote:
“Without mindfulness we tend to live much of our lives on ‘autopilot’ and when we’re on autopilot we often fall into conditioned, mechanical patterns of thought and behavior… most of which we did not consciously choose, and most of which was handed down to us from our culture and upbringing. Living in unawareness like this leads to a sense of discontent and disconnection from ourselves.”
You need to wake up. You need to stop living life on autopilot.
Create a daily ritual and check-in with your core values. Read your core values. Ask yourself if you’re living life according to them. Have an honest conversation with yourself.
If during your daily check-in, you find that you may have veered off course, it’s ok. The mindfulness and honesty you’re displaying with yourself on a regular basis will keep you on course.
Revising your core values
Life changes. We grow. We evolve. That’s the point of it, isn’t it?
Defining your core values isn’t a one-and-done exercise. As your life evolves and circumstances change, it’s important to adjust your core values to keep you on the course you need to be the father, husband or partner, and man you want to be.
Set a calendar appointment for yourself 3–6 months from now. Use that appointment as a check-in with yourself and your newly-minted core values. See if they still hold true. See if they are still the right ones for you based on what type of father or man you’re trying to be.
If they are, great. Keep up the good work!
If they aren’t, that’s fine, too. Simply adjust as necessary. Run through your list of values and strike whatever doesn’t fit any longer. Go back to the original list of values and add anything that may now be relevant to you and your growth.
Remember to take a look at your being statement, too. Revise as needed.
What happens when you live to your core values?
When you live life according to your core values, everything falls into place for you. You’ll feel a sense of fulfullment and direction with your life. You’ll have more confidence and better decision making skills.
As Claire Hodgson wrote on TinyBuddha.com, “Once you start living by your values, life shifts in the most beautiful of ways.”
I wish you the best of luck in your core values exercise.
