I had an interesting discussion with my daughter this week.
Long story short, she was uncomfortable with the way one of the girls on her hockey team was talking to her. I reminded her that she was well within her right to speak up and state clearly that she didn’t appreciate what was being said and firmly ask for her to stop. I also reminded her she was also well within her right to let it go and simply ignore it.
She chose the latter. And, she likely did so for multiple reasons. Chief among them? No doubt the lack of desire to cause a stir.
We talked about how when I was a boy, I avoided confrontation like the plague. We talked about how I wanted nothing to do with it and how that long-lasting avoidance of “conflict” set me up for a lot of issues I otherwise didn’t have to endure in later years. I’ve since gotten over it, but I definitely still prefer to avoid it if there’s a way.
Fast forward to Wednesday at work (as if anyone is ever at work anymore; aren’t we all just workliving?) when I realized that if I don’t dive into confrontation head on with another team with whom mine works closely, some stuff is going to simmer and make me — and my team — miserable for months (or years!) to come. When thinking about what my next steps would be towards resolving things, I couldn’t help but feel like my daughter, and 12-year-old Ben.
I know I probably should, but why the hell do I have to?
In my opinion, there are people who seek out confrontation and there are those who seek to avoid it. Generally, neither is right or wrong. But, to an extreme, these can absolutely become issues. And, that’s sort of the challenge as I see it.
When do I have to dive head first into the confrontation?
When is it actually preferable to back off and let something go?
When I do dive in, how nuclear should it be?
If I do ignore, will this issue fester itself and grow into something that can’t be managed.
These are the thoughts I think all sane people should weigh when faced with the likelihood of confrontation.
I don’t know about you, but if you’re as typically easy-going as I am (or, as I used to be), and you have children over the age of 3, you’ve surely had to learn how to rise above yourself to — at a minimum — use your Dad Voice to get those little people to follow the directions you’ve set forth.
This was not something I was ready for, either. I mean, how many fucking times do I need to ask someone to please get their shoes on before I have to make a scene?
I’ve never been comfortable with it. And, to be honest, it’s caused some friction over the years with Mom because she seems to have been built for #datlyfe and seemingly expected me to be ready for it when I wasn’t. Now that I’ve grown accustomed to it, I seem to jump to an eleven when I should still be calmly asking for them to grab their shoes a second or third time.
For me, that’s the issue with being comfortable diving head first into confrontation in other areas of my life, including work. I seem to now go from zero to fuckit because of how I feel when the other people involved seem blindsided. Maybe that’s because I’m not typically like that. And, maybe it’s a good thing. But, like I said before: I know I probably should, but why the hell do I have to?
I guess it comes with the territory. As fathers, partners, and men, we should all consider ourselves leaders. And, as leaders, sometimes we gotta dive into it to get things done. When doing so, I’m going to work on a three-step process towards conflict resolution that resembles what police officers learn while training. Except, rather than “ask, command, force,” I’ll go forward with “ask nicely, ask firmly, turn-it-to-an-eleven.”
For my daughter, my hope is that she can retain even an ounce of what I shared on that car ride home so that she can realize that she’s in control of how to respond in these unfortunate by realistic circumstances that are likely to only increase as she gets older. Right now, it’s the best I can do as Dad aside from letting her know I’m always happy to go beat up another Dad 🙂.
What about you? Are you comfortable with confrontation? How do you teach your child(ren) to handle it? I’d love to hear your experiences. Leave a comment below and be sure to subscribe to my newsletter for more content like this delivered right to your inbox.
