Within the last year or so, the relationship I have with my 10-year-old daughter has changed. No major events took place to enact the changes. It hasn’t necessarily changed for the worse. It’s just changed.
I can still recall fondly her toddler years. The rambunctious, super high-energy, adorably sweet girl who stole my heart. We did almost everything together. Don’t tell Mom, but we had donut dates way too many times a week. We played constantly. We laughed the whole time. We just were.
Now, we’re different.
She still shows signs of that sweetness I enjoyed so much in her early years. She’s still a terrific kid. She still loves me. And I still love her with all my heart.
But our interactions have changed.
Why it happened
Of course, this is not a shocking revelation to anyone with a working knowledge of daughters. IMHO, here are some reasons why I believe things have altered:
- Puberty, in a pandemic: My heart hurts for her to begin the wild ride that is puberty whilst in Corrolivirus Lockdown.
- Mental health: Earlier this year, she started talking with a child therapist. The goal is to help her be more mindful of things.
- Our family culture: We’ve decided to literally talk about everything. Ev-ery-THING.
What I’m doing about it
At first, I didn’t know how to handle this change. It came on like a dull, aching pain rather than a sharp cut. At first it was hardly noticeable but now, it’s apparent. When I first started to identify that things were different, it was through the way she’d talk to me. There was a definite change in tone, word choice, and depth. Whereas we used to have deep, wild conversations about god-knows-what, we had entered a phase in our relationship where our dialog was more transactional in nature.
Next, it was the body language. [Insert eye-roll emoji here]
I wondered what on earth I did to deserve this newly-entered territory of hell. I, presumably like most people-pleasers, looked inward to figure out what the hell I:
a.) did to deserve this and
b.) could do to fix it.
This was a terrible response. In short, I took it personal. I reacted, rather than responding, which ultimately hastened the change.
My wife told me to not take it personally and that it’s just something that was inevitable for a growing girl. She’s always right.
That simple shift in mindset was a game-changer. Here’s now what I’m concerning myself with:
- Focusing on connection: I figure whether it’s weathering this storm or some other phase she’s likely to go through that puts a strain on things between us, our relationship is only as good as the connection we have. To that end, I’ve really put a focus on trying to strengthen our connection by way of music, jokes, and being genuinely curious about her experiences outside of the house and with friends, classmates, teammates, etc. I’m trying to give her the space she needs to figure herself out without adding extra stress. And, I’m focusing on being the type of constant I think all growing girls require — being there to provide whatever she needs from me whenever she needs it.
- Taking advantage of every opportunity: We have a ritual in our house during the bedtime hour where I go room to room to tuck everyone in, read or tell one last story, and go through a deep-breath exercise. Sometimes, I’m so damn tired that I want to skip those ceremonies and just close my eyes but I know one day, it will be something we used to do. Knowing that at some point things like this will stop and I’ll never again be asked to carry her to bed has me laser focused on making sure I take advantage of every opportunity. Another example of this is on our (almost nightly) drives home from hockey. It would be just as simple to zone out, not engage, and just try to get home without offering an ounce of energy, but that 1-on-1 time will end soon enough. For now, I’m looking at those 20–30 minutes as an opportunity.
- Setting her up for growth: Lastly, we’re working to instill a growth mindset into her so she can have the bigger picture in mind throughout her years — especially these ensuing wild ones. Whether it’s school, sports, friends, flips on the trampoline, or learning all the words to Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’ (true story), I want her to know it’s a-ok to start from scratch and seek to improve over time. This mindset is crucial, in my humble opinion.
So, Dads. If you’re experiencing similar changes in your relationships with your daughters or sons, relax, it likely has nothing to do with you. Just look for ways to engage with them, be there for them, and continue to build a connection with them.
