I’ve found that nearly every time something happens in my life that could be seen as less-than-ideal, it’s due to misaligned expectations.
Consider these scenarios:
- For work, you spend eight hours over the weekend mapping out a strategy based on a certain number of resources and bandwidth, only to have misaligned expectations of what will be available — thereby making the strategy as a whole moot. Not to mention the wasted time.
- At home, taking the lead on a busy night filled with sports and activities by preparing dinner only to find out your wife grabbed Wendy’s for the kids on the way home and your efforts are all for naught.
- Taking your wife out for the first date night in the new millennia and realizing your respective definitions of a “romantic evening away” are wayyyyy off.
Singularly, these mishaps aren’t big deals. No major issues. It’s just as easy to adjust and go with the flow. Combined and compounded, though, you’ve got yourself a pattern. And, this pattern is likely to lead to a multitude of things, including but not limited to, a general feeling that you shouldn’t even try to do these otherwise thoughtful acts because they go unused, unappreciated, and they’re a waste of your precious time.
But, I wonder if this conundrum you’ve found yourself in is simply a matter of ineffective communication — on your part — leading to misaligned expectations.
Looking inward to try and realize what you could’ve done better, you realize you never even clarified with your boss the details around the project you were building a strategy for. You think back and realize that you never told your wife you were making dinner and she likely assumed you were going to be working late anyways. Before your date, you never talked through the possible destinations to ensure you both had an awesome date night.
In his book, Unf*ck Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, Gary John Bishop offered this incredible piece of advice:
Expect nothing. Accept everything.
Bishop is a firm believer that, for those of us who don’t feel they’ve quite made it yet, it’s likely our expectations that are holding us back. He offers the idea that if we take the aggressive step towards altering our view of what we think should happen, we can be prepared to benefit from what does happen.
I remember when I first absorbed this thought from Bishop, I was listening to the book on Audible while running. It stopped me in my tracks.
Misaligned expectations explained a lot of the issues I’d been facing as a father and husband. This misalignment was also evident in my bigger-picture goals for growth in business, fitness, finance, and general personal growth.
Giving yourself a big, hairy, audacious goal is risky. While it’s important to strive for greatness — in parenting, relationships, and beyond — perhaps expecting a specific reality to uncover itself step-by-step as you’ve planned it out from the get-go is dangerous. For me, the bumpy road towards growth has, at times, made it seem like I’ve been going nowhere. As things unfold in a much different fashion than the ideal expectations I’ve pre-set in my head, it feels like I’ve failed. But, in reality, progress has been made. Growth has been achieved. Goals have been accomplished.
So what if they didn’t play out as expected?
I think it’s time we take very seriously our expectations. Focusing on them, why you’ve established them, whether or not other parties are in agreement, and then keeping them only as direction setting by not putting too much weight on them may alter the reality you see as your plans are being realized.
For me, this hits home on so many levels.
- Being mindful of what to expect when working with my 4-year-old on her letters (she’s good with the letters in her name but it’s a bit of crapshoot with the other 19) will ensure my patience remains at a level that enables her to absorb the lessons I’m trying to instill and b.) I don’t leave the interaction with a sour taste in my mouth.
- When my wife asks for a date night, I’ll confer with her to understand her expectations for the evening, and then be mindfully open to a great time wherever we end up because deep down, I just want to be alone with her.
- When diving head first into a new business idea or project, I’ll do so knowing well that business growth never goes exactly to plan and by being pliable, flexible, and open to pivoting, I’m setting myself up for greater success down the road.
Are your expectations wreaking havoc on your growth? I want to know how your expectations are impacting you. Leave a comment below and be sure to subscribe to my monthly newsletter for more content like this.
